


Tony, no. Don't pick up the tiger.

by natashova



Series: Sick of Avenging on a Tuesday [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Deaf Clint Barton, Established Relationship, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, How do you pick up a tiger, I don't have a beta, M/M, Never before have tigers been such an important plot point, Post-Avengers (2012), Steve Rogers is easily provoked, The Captain America shield is a terrible pillow, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26713372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashova/pseuds/natashova
Summary: “JARVIS, pull up a map of all the tigers in New York City, the ones not in zoos and stuff.”“Certainly, sir. Using security footage, I can estimate that there are approximately five hundred tigers in the city.”The lift doors close, and Natasha and Clint quickly move towards the other two Avengers. Natasha has the audacity to look vaguely impressed, and Clint just squarks and babbles something along the lines of “Whothefuckputstigersinacitythat’sjustmean.”ORThere are tigers loose in New York, and Tony challenges Steve to a lifting contest.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Series: Sick of Avenging on a Tuesday [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944061
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47





	Tony, no. Don't pick up the tiger.

**Author's Note:**

> This is as crazy an idea as it sounds.  
> Many thanks to my friend Abi, who made this story about 10x crazier with her suggestions. I owe you one!

Somehow, bad things always happened on Tuesdays.

A Tuesday, for the majority of the working population, is arguably the most mundane day of the week. No hangover from the weekend, too far to Friday night to even think about making plans. Just the incessant screech of the alarm and the glare of the computer screen.

This is not the case for The Avengers. All the bad guys must want to try and catch them off-guard or something, and the constant Tuesday attacks have led to everyone being a little more on-edge when that particular day of the week rolls around.

So, when the alarm blares at one minute past midnight on, lo and behold, a Tuesday, nobody is surprised.

“Avengers.” Steve is doing his probably-should-be-trademarked Captain America voice through the intercom, and Tony sighs. _Remind me who put him in charge again?_ He signed to Clint, who he could see fiddling with his aids in the armchair.

 _Something about respecting our elders?_ The archer returned, which made Tony snigger.

He and Clint had been marathoning those Reddit thread compilation videos on YouTube, and they had been halfway through one about nightmare tenants. They often did this; Clint would show up in his penthouse at literally any random point in time and demand to be entertained. They both knew this was an extremely unhealthy avoidance tactic, but they continued to feed each other’s bad habits anyway.

“Tonight is uh, a little different to usual?”

The hesitation in Cap’s tone was brought Tony back to reality, and thoroughly piqued his curiosity.

“There seems to be a large quantity of tigers roaming the streets of New York.”

Tony dashed to the window, and immediately spotted at least a dozen tigers. He heard Clint choke with surprise, and ran up behind him to look. “They’re definitely tigers.” He stated.

“No, really? Birdie, you’re a genius. Never would’ve thought of-“ Tony said flatly, but was cut off by Clint putting his hand over his mouth. He licked the hand, but all that did was cause the other man to wink at him.

“I have to admit,” Cap continued, “that there isn’t much else I can say about this on the intercom. Assemble on the ground floor as soon as possible.”

The speakers cut out, and Clint removed his hand from Tony’s mouth. “Gonna go suit up. See ya!” He shot over to the lift, which immediately opened and closed again, whisking the resident archer down to his floor.

Tony shook his head, and briskly headed over to the workshop. “J, we done with the new suit?”

“Mark Nine is ready for deployment, sir. I must say, it’s always excellent to see you using a fully complete, extensively tested suit in battle.”

Tony smiles, never failing to be proud of JARVIS. “It’s not my fault the bad guys choose to show up in-between upgrades. They should learn proper timing, choose to fight me at the right time, these tigers have got some rare etiquette.”

The suit quickly opens up and he steps in, wrapping itself around him like a second (bulkier, metallic) skin.

“Of course, sir, “JARVIS quips, “how silly of me. I shall send a memo to potential threats advising them of when your newest suit is due to be complete, asking them to delay attack until then.”

“Sure, that’ll do it.” Tony grins, “Let’s take the shortcut down to the lobby, just for the fun of it.”

“How unlike your usual character, sir.”

“You’re really not holding back today J, I like it. Get me to the balcony without breaking anything over ten grand.”

The faceplate closed, and JARVIS navigated the suit at a much more sedate pace than Tony would’ve chosen for himself, handing over the controls when they reach the edge of the balcony.

He cheerfully leaped off the side of the tower, performing a pretty spectacular flip before rocketing down to the ground and crashing through the doors to the lobby, laughing when Cap jumps in surprise at the dramatic entrance, before quickly composing himself. “Was that strictly necessary, Stark?”

“Absolutely not.” He lands, flipping up the faceplate and grinning at the scowling Captain. “JARVIS, pull up a map of all the tigers in New York City, the ones not in zoos and stuff.”

“Certainly, sir. Using security footage, I can estimate that there are approximately five hundred tigers in the city.”

The lift doors close, and Natasha and Clint quickly move towards the other two Avengers. Natasha has the audacity to look vaguely impressed, and Clint just squarks and babbles something along the lines of “Whothefuckputstigersinacitythat’sjustmean.”

“Right, Avengers. This is all the manpower we have tonight, Thor is off-world and Bruce is aiding the relief effort in an undisclosed third world country. What do you think is the best plan of action?” Steve said in that idiotically-not-trademarked voice, but his uncertainty shone through.

“Well, it probably depends on how the tigers react to us.” Natasha rationalised, “If they attack us, we don’t have much of a choice other than attack back. But our best option is to incapacitate them in some way.”

“Trial by fire.” Tony grins, and Steve nods.

“In simple terms. Avengers-“

“-go say hi to the tigers!!” Clint butts in, and runs towards the door. Natasha shrugs, and follows in a more elegant fashion. Tony flies off before he could see the good Captain’s reaction.

“J, I need everyone’s comms online, Mother Russia and Fifty Stars aren’t connected.”

“Remotely switching on communications, sir. May I suggest switching on all the lights we have access to? It would greatly increase visibility in the area.”

“Sure, hit it.”

Tony approaches one of the tigers, which is sat elegantly under a streetlight. It looks at him inquisitively, and he slowly moves towards it in an unthreatening manner. (Well, as unthreatening as you can be in a highly weaponised metal suit.)

“Hey guys,” Clint pipes up in his ear, “use the fucking comms. What’s happening?”

Steve sighs, and mutters “Thought I turned this thing off.”

“Apologies, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS said, “it’s standard Avengers protocol that communications need to be on in battle. I remotely switched it on.”

Tony smiled self-deprecatingly. _Why do my teammates hate my technology so much?_ He thought, sighing.

“Your tech is awesome, man! These aids are way better than anything I ever had before!” Clint said earnestly, and Tony sighed again upon realising he had said that out loud.

“Anyway. I’m approaching one of the tigers in a delicate fashion, if you hear my manly screams you’ll know to attack.” He deflected, forcing his attention back to the fairly urgent matter at hand.

“Here, kitty. You gonna maul me?” He crooned, edging closer to the tiger.

“I wouldn’t advise being condescending to the tiger, Stark. It may decide to have you as a midnight snack.” Natasha said, amusement edging her tone.

Tony ignored her, and continued moving towards the tiger, until he was kneeling right in front of it. “You don’t seem very dangerous, do you? But that isn’t quite... JARVIS, tigers are meant to be a hell of a lot more... mauley than this, right?”

“You’re quite correct. This animal should be displaying some kind of aggression towards you.” JARVIS somehow manages to sound as perplexed as Tony is.

“I’ll try going up to one!” Clint announced. Tony thought he sounded far too cheerful about the idea of hanging out with tigers at midnight. On a split-second decision, he engaged the thrusters and flew over to Clint’s location. Landing just beside him, Tony put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Tweetie. Couldn’t have you getting jumped by a tiger without me to film it, right?” He smiled earnestly.

“You sap. Hey, you guys need to step up your relationship game. Tony came to protect me from tigers!”

“Our what?!” Steve sputtered, “Hawkeye, no idle chatter on the comms.”

“Don’t worry about the Cold War duo Blathers, you have a tiger to not get mauled by.” Tony winked, and gestured to the fairly muscular tiger in front of them.

“Tony, Blathers is an owl-“

“Idle. Chatter.” Steve hissed.

“Technically Rogers, I was talking in person.” Clint sassed, before heading for the tiger.

He took a much less cautious approach than Tony, just walking straight towards it with his hand out. It was if he was going to stroke the wild ani-

He reached out to pat the tiger. Surprisingly, Clint did not lose his arm, he didn’t even lose any fingers. “I think they’re tame.” He mused, scratching the buff tiger under the chin. The tiger purred and leaned into the touch, reacting just the same as Natasha’s cat.

“So Cap,” Tony said, “the tigers are tame. About as dangerous as the pigeons that keep landing on my goddamn balcony.”

“What’s the plan?” Natasha asked, as professional as ever.

“We call in the cavalry.” Steve commands, and _will he stop using that voice, it’ll stop being so powerful._ “We need to bring all the tigers into one location. Iron Man, I need you to coax the tigers in from the outside of the group. Hawkeye, you’re going with the Widow to round them up and take them to central park. I’m going to aid SHIELD with getting the tigers into transport vessels. Clear?”

“Aye aye, Captain!” Clint cheered.

Tony joined in with the cheers, before replying with “On it, Spangles.”

“I regret ever implying that you two would be a match.” Natasha said in lieu of a response.

“A simple yes would’ve been fine.” Steve groused, asking JARVIS to send the audio of their conversation to the appropriate channels.

Firing up the repulsors, Tony jetted out to the edges of the city to find the loner tigers that didn’t want to prowl around with the others.

He landed, then realised he wasn’t entirely sure _how_ to redirect a tiger, something that sounds simple enough on principle.

“Hey, Tigger. Want to come with me?”

The tiger simply looked at him, cocking its head in a way that made Tony feel much less like a genius.

“Okay yeah, that was never gonna work. Cap, have we got any bait? Like, some nice juicy steaks?”

“Negative, Iron Man. I doubt any butchers will be open at this time of night.”

_Strike two. Think, Tony._

“I could just. Pick you up?” He suggested to the tiger. Obviously, the tiger didn’t respond, but Tony figured it probably couldn’t go too wrong.

“Tony, no. Don’t pick up the tiger.” Natasha said, sounding slightly alarmed.

“Tony, yes.” He concluded, putting one arm under the back legs of the tiger and one around the stomach. He was expecting at least some form of resistance from the tiger, but nope- it went willingly and without any kind of complaint.

“J, fly me over to central park in a manner that won’t make me drop the tiger. Because it’s way heaver than it looked, shit.”

“The average tiger weighs approximately 400Ibs sir.”

“Iron Man, please tell me you did not actually pick up a tiger, that would be inordinately irresponsible, even for you,” Steve pleaded.

“You familiar with the constitution, Rogers? ‘Cause I plead the fifth.” Tony replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes dramatically. Of _course_ he picked up the tiger.

Flying into central park, he was met with another thing that should be trademarked- the Captain’s famous disappointed look, the one that makes all patriotic young Americans quake in their converse.

“Don’t give me that look Cap, you told me to coax the tigers into the main pack.”

“Coax, not carry! What if that tiger had lashed out and attacked you, what then?” Steve shouted, thoroughly frustrated.

“Then I'd be sat in SHIELD medical being treated for tiger-related injuries. But it didn’t, and I’m fine, so I’m going to do it again.”

Steve grumbled a few things about responsibility and animal welfare, at which point Tony had a truly brilliant idea. He said something about coaxing more tigers and rushed off, away from super soldier ears.

“JARVIS, get me a private line with Clint, I want his approval.”

“Putting you through now, sir.”

“Clint! I bet you twenty bucks I can make Steve pick up a tiger.”

“You’re shitting me, Tony, even you can’t win this one. Genius my ass, you tryna get yourself lectured?” Clint exclaimed.

“You gonna take the bet or what, Huntress?”

“Your funeral. Your gravestone will state that you’re a terrible boyfriend.”

The line disconnected, and Tony shrugged. _Worse ways to die._

Grinning, he flew off to grab another tiger, this time flying in much faster in the hope of catching Cap's attention again. He swooped in elegantly, placing the tiger right at Steve’s feet.

“Hey Cap. Uh.” He rubbed the back of his neck, faking sheepishness. “Sorry for being a dick about the tigers. I didn’t think.”

“It’s no problem Tony, thanks for apologising.” Steve smiled genuinely and _huh, maybe I should try a little harder to be nice to the guy._

But for now, Tony has a mission.

“I guess I didn’t consider that you wouldn’t be able to pick them up. I need to be more considerate.”

Steve stopped, and stared at him incredulously for a few seconds. “What makes you think I can’t pick up a tiger?”

“They’re like, 400Ibs! Heavy bastards. Only reason I can is because of the suit, obviously.” Tony pauses for a moment. “I don’t think any man could actually pick up these guys unaided.”

“God, he didn’t-“ Clint whined, sounding genuinely aghast.

“Shh,” said Natasha, creeping into Tony’s peripherals.

Steve stalked out of the park, with Tony following quickly behind. There was a group of about a dozen tigers congregated outside a Starbucks, and Steve was heading straight for them.

Without much hesitation, he grabbed one of the tigers and hauled it over his shoulder, glowering at the unmoving faceplate of the suit. Behind it, Tony gasped before snickering loudly. “JARVIS, think we can hold two?”

“Sir, I would not advise-“

“Yes I know I know, but _can_ we?”

JARVIS actually sighed, and voice dripping in displeasure replies with “It would not affect the integrity of the suit, sir.”

Deciding that was more than enough reason to one-up the Captain, he decided to copy his technique and put a tiger over each shoulder, flying over to Steve who was depositing his tiger in the park.

Clint had both hands over his mouth, trying desperately to muffle his laughter. He wasn’t very good at it, so Natasha also had one of her hands over his mouth, muttering various threats at him in Russian.

“Hey, I thought you were meant to be a super soldier!” Tony called out, dropping both tigers next to Steve’s one. The other man’s eyebrows skyrocketed, and he narrowed his eyes at Tony.

“This isn’t a game Iron Man…” Steve said half-heartedly, clearly desperate to prove himself despite knowing it was stupid. “Fine. You know damn well I’m stronger than you.” He stalked back out of the park, returning a moment later with-

“Three fucking tigers!” Clint spat out, batting Natasha’s hand away. He collapsed laughing, and even Natasha looked amused. Clint turned to Tony, and looked at him as if asking him to one-up the Captain.

Tony was never one to back down from a challenge. Barely a minute later, he returned to the park with _four tigers_ , all piled up in his arms. He was a bit wobbly and a bit slow, but he managed it all the same, huffing slightly.

“New plan.” Natasha spoke over the comms, “You idiots can have your testosterone-fuelled tiger weightlifting competition. Clint and I will go and lure the tigers to your location, and you can bring them into the park. Try not to break any bones, boys.”

She dragged a whining Clint away, and Tony and Steve continued carrying tigers into the park. They both got a bit stuck on five, so after that it became a contest of who can carry five tigers faster. And then who can collect the most in total.

“C’mon Steve, you’re slacking!” Tony crowed, flying past the sweating super soldier. This, it turns out, was a terrible idea. Steve began _running with the tigers_ , and thanks to the extra weight, Tony was left in the dust.

There was an audible sigh of relief on the comms when a large SHIELD containment unit set down in the park. A bunch of junior agents came running out and started leashing the tigers and leading them onto the ship, although a couple were busy staring at Iron Man and Captain America arriving back into the park with five tigers each.

A very displeased Maria Hill came storming out of the containment unit and towards the two Avengers, stormy expression making Tony quietly gulp.

“Stark! Rogers! Explain to me right now why both of you are carrying an unnecessary quantity of tigers. This is so unbelievably inefficient.”

“Sorry ma’am,” Steve kicked at the pavement guiltily, “Iron Man and I were engaged in a… small competition in regards to the tigers.”

“I told him he was too weak to pick them up.” Tony added, pulling his helmet off to reveal a childish grin.

Maria groaned, and spent the next few minutes lecturing the two men on Avengers conduct and safety regulations. Behind her, Clint was leaping about and generally being distracting, until Natasha slapped him on the arm and told him to “Do something useful for once, Barton.”

Eventually, Maria stopped lecturing and all the tigers were rounded up. Everyone traipsed back to the tower (except Tony, he flew off grinning) and collapsed in the common room in various stages of undress.

Tony collapsed on the couch in his jeans and band tee, suit discarded save for one gauntlet which got stuck after, you guessed it, the weight of the tigers was too much for the metal to handle. Clint flopped on top of him, archery equipment thrown across the floor but still in his suit. Steve had pulled down the top half of his costume, but he was otherwise fully suited. Oh, and he was using his shield as an extremely uncomfortable pillow. Natasha was the only one who bothered to change, curled up in an armchair in leggings and a sweater.

This is how Phil Coulson discovered them six hours later, much to his silent amusement. “Avengers.” He said evenly, and only Natasha woke at the sound. She stood and went to turn the coffee pot on, which quickly roused Tony and Clint. Everyone had soon learned that waking Steve up after a fight just didn’t happen, so they left him to drool on the shield and went to sit in the kitchen.

Phil and Natasha started talking about press and where the tigers came from, whilst Tony and Clint drank their coffee and tried to clear the fog from their heads. After about fifteen minutes the caffeine kicks in, and Tony forces himself to pay attention to the conversation.

“-we know where the tigers are from? Or why they were in New York?” Natasha asks, and Phil just shakes his head frustratedly.

“We know nothing. They just… appeared. Out of nowhere, like a dream.”

“Okay, so-“ Tony suddenly waves his hands, cutting Natasha off.

“No, you know what’s more important?” He asked, “Clint, baby, you owe me twenty bucks.”

“What? Aw come on, you’re a literal billionaire.” Clint whined, unimpressed.

“A bet’s a bet. You said I couldn’t make Steve pick up a tiger and he picked up five at once. I definitely win, Hawkguy.”

Grumbling, Clint handed over $20, but his eyes widened and he rapidly signed _I’m gone, you deal with him._

Before Tony could reply, an unimpressed Steve spun him around on his stool.

“Steve? Oh shit, JARVIS, I’m busy now right?”

“Not at all Sir, your schedule for today is entirely clear. For the record, I did advise against this.” JARVIS sassed back.

Tony held his head in his still-gauntleted hand, and felt his life flash before his eyes.

“Fuck.”

**Author's Note:**

> I thrive on comments otherwise I stop writing lol, let me know if you like it!   
> I plan on making this into a loose series about Weird Stuff That Happens on Tuesdays. Tell me your ideas!!


End file.
